There When He Needs You by Neil I. Bernstein Ph.D. & Brooke Lea Foster

Author:Neil I. Bernstein, Ph.D. & Brooke Lea Foster
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2008-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FIVE

Sons Speak Out

When Dads Hurt and Disappoint Them

Ten-year-old Calvin came to see me one afternoon after school, referred because he was an underachiever and disruptive in class. I liked him as soon as I met him. He had a broad smile, a sweet freckled face, was quick with a joke, and loved talking about his passion for tae kwon do. Calvin couldn’t understand why his parents had sent him to my office but he hadn’t protested. “My grandpa says I’m a pleasure,” he said, brightly.

I didn’t ask him why he was doing so poorly in school, which made him relax. I was more interested in how he spent his time and who his friends were. How did he get along with his parents? Calvin said he had tons of friends and cheerfully described his love of funny movies. He said he was addicted to video games such as Madden’s NFL, a virtual football game.

I changed the subject and asked about his family. I wanted to know if he was close to his mother. Calvin’s tone changed. “She’s fine,” he said. “She nags me sometimes but other than that…” I chuckled because most boys complain that their mothers are nags. Then I asked about his dad. “He’s okay,” Calvin said with a hint of sadness and resignation.

“Sometimes boys get angry at their fathers and they don’t like to talk about it,” I told him. Calvin looked up.

“Why?” he asked.

“Sometimes they’re upset that their fathers aren’t around much or that they yell a lot or they feel like their dads don’t understand them.”

Calvin was nodding. I leaned forward in my chair.

“What you feel is really important, Calvin,” I said. “I’m guessing you hardly ever talk about this but I’d like to. Maybe I can even help.”

Calvin remained quiet.

“I bet you’ve got some pretty good reasons to be angry at your dad, like those other kids I mentioned.”

Calvin nodded again. And then he really opened up, saying his father wasn’t always around. He was often working at the office or at the marina, where he was restoring an antique Bristol sailboat. Calvin often felt as if he was bothering his dad if he asked him for anything. “Does he come to watch you at tae kwon do exhibitions?” I asked. Calvin rolled his eyes.

“He says he’s coming but then he gets tied up at the office or he comes thirty minutes late,” he said. “It makes me so mad.”

“I’d be angry, too,” I said.

“My dad is always complaining about my grades in school,” he says. “But you know what? He doesn’t know anything about my grades. Mom is the one who goes to all the meetings and reads over my homework.”

Calvin hadn’t told his dad how he felt and hadn’t even realized how upset he was until he and I got talking. Still, he didn’t want to talk to his dad about his feelings. “It’s a waste of time,” he said. “He’d just find a way to blame everything on me. He’d say I’m lucky to have what I have and I should appreciate him more.

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